Loneliness

When I was young and in the exhausting search for my personal balance and Prince Charming, I was often told “you have to learn to be alone!”

At the time it seemed like a very low credible sentence. There was nothing tempting about being alone. In an age of life when, above all, counts to constantly share your life with others and getting approval and confirmation, loneliness seemed to me a mysterious and mostly impossible path.

Then, years passed and loneliness cautiously crept into the folds of my days, as thin as a breath.

Night life get reduced until being dissolved. Friends had children or left or just simply disappeared. Then the deaths, the broken hearts and betrayals summed up until when it comes a clear understanding that the only stable and constant presence in your life is, and will be, only you. Therefore, if you don’t deal with yourself you will never be able to find a good life balance.

Working abroad or traveling much for work is a great learning process. Being away from home alone teaches you to rely only on yourself and fill your free time with the one and only company of yourself.

In general, foreign friendships are related to work and in the free time everyone is busy with his own life, own habits that are not yours and to which you do not belong.

In solitude, I discovered the space for creativity. In the careful choice of company, I found the value of spending time together and even more the value of time spent alone. I am no longer afraid of walking, going to restaurants or traveling alone. When I am alone, I think or I simply don’t think, I just listen the moment. I observe what is happening around me and I just appreciate my own company. And when I get tired and bored of myself, thank goodness Netflix exists!

A friend of mine often spoke to me about her theory on “manager’s loneliness”. That loneliness that has nothing to do with being alone but has to do with the fact that you are alone in your decisions. The loneliness you feel when you can’t trust others, when among so many people no one can understand what you are going through and what your motivations are. When no one will help you decide your next steps.

 “Learning to be alone” is a necessary life journey. It means dealing with one’s own anxieties and fears and accepting that emotions goes up and down and we need to learn to manage them without discharging them on others.

It means learning to appreciate silence as a form of physical and mental space in which breathing  and recharge batteries to start again.

This is how I find myself spending this cold August in my lonely apartment in Germany, as if I were on a spiritual retreat. I do gym, walking, eat healthy, work and write. Write pages and pages of thoughts and memories as I prepare for the autumn to come, with the next lockdowns and the next changes

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